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Monday, 03 December 2012 18:31 |
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by Mark Hunter
“Let’s get a dog,” my better half suggested.
“No.”
I love dogs. But I also love helicopters, and I didn’t want to spend the time or money for one of those, either.
But at the moment Emily spends a lot of time at home without me, and she wanted some company. We’ve both had pets most of our lives; there’s nothing like a loving dog to bring a little brightness into your life, along with vet bills and various forms of bodily waste.
She does have her snake, Lucius, but have you ever tried to take a snake for a walk? A collar won’t even stay on those things. Also, when a dog starts cuddling you, there’s rarely a worry that it’s thinking “One squeeze and you’re dinner.” After awhile Emily started giving me gentle little hints, such as sending me photos of sad-faced dogs with the caption “If they’re not adopted, they’ll die!” I’d send her back photos of our bank balance sheet, and make jokes that the President was going to eat all the excess dogs – an attempt to delay that wasn’t funny or effective. (It should be pointed out that at the time Obama was a kid, in a country where that kind of thing is unremarkable. God bless America, especially if you’re a canine.)
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Sunday, 02 December 2012 16:16 |
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by Mark Hunter
It’s been a particularly challenging year, and I wonder if the main thing we should be thankful for is that it’s almost over.
My home was the scene of multiple medical problems, most of the country suffered through a drought, every city whose name starts with “New” got hit by a hurricane, the economy was a sad joke, and we reelected a President who’s taking us straight over a cliff. It’s always a good idea to avoid saying things couldn’t get worse, but surely they could be better.
On the other hand …
Look, it’s Thanksgiving week. You’re supposed to find things you’re thankful for, right? Like flowering plants (which I always kill), and kittens (I’m allergic), and bright, sunny days. (Did I mention the drought?)
But look at it this way: My wife went through so many separate medical conditions in one year that maybe we could get funding for a medical study. Surely there are federal funds for that – there are federal funds for everything. If Washington can pay for the study of the migration pattern of red winged Delaware tree frog larvae, they can throw a million or so in our direction. I’ll bet my sinus infection that there’s a department just printing out checks for that stuff.
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Friday, 16 November 2012 14:05 |
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QUESTIONS FOR THE PRESIDENT
by Mark Hunter
I assume, since the Presidential election was so close, that President Obama understands he doesn’t have anything that could be called a mandate for his next four years. What he has, in fact, is a nation more divided than Dolly Parton’s cleavage.
(And yet, before the election was officially called, an Obama supporter said on network news that the President did, indeed, have a mandate.)
(Wait, Dolly Parton? Should I use a more modern well-endowed celebrity? Snooki? That fat guy from Pawn Stars? How do I know they’re not both using push-ups?)
(Why do I use parenthesis so often?)
Maybe, then, he’ll listen to me, a person who according to Internet questionnaires is a right leaning moderate. And those things are never wrong. So I’ve drawn up a list of questions that, I hope, will make the President think about the challenges we face, and how we can solve them using reason and common sense, rather than partisan politics.
Stop laughing, he’ll listen.
First of all, while ten years ago the greatest threat to our country was the war with Muslim extremists, that’s now fallen to second place. Third place, if you count Congress.
Mr. President, what will you do about our crushing federal debt? Your Vice-President once suggested we could spend our way out of it. I do hope you keep him in his Hannibal Lector mask when he isn’t medicated. Spending your way out of debt is like trying to escape the Titanic by drilling a hole in the ship’s hull.
(No, that’s not a partisan comment: If Joe Biden turned Republican today, he’d just be the same moron with a bigger flag on his lapel.)
Taxing your way out of this much debt is impossible. Not only that, it’s unfair to ask anyone – even rich people, who are clearly all evil for being rich – to pay more taxes without also making a real attempt to cut red ink. The word “unsustainable” was actually invented for this situation. What will you cut? How will you stand your ground when the special interest groups start screaming? When Congressmen start losing their pork-barrel vote getter projects, will you have a yardstick big enough to rap their frightened knuckles with?
On a related note, what are you going to do about all the things the federal government does that aren’t allowed by our Constitution? Are you going to try to change the Law of the Land? Amend it? Ignore it? There are entire federal departments dedicated to areas that are the responsibilities and rights of the states, a myriad of things Washington should have never dipped its fingers into.
If the states kept all that money and the bean counters in Washington had to go find a real job, would that not shrink government? And thus help control spending? And if you’re not going to go by the Constitution, why not just use it as paper for your little ankle biter to do his business on? (But enough about Joe Biden.)
What are you going to do about illegal immigration? Canada hasn’t been too much trouble, but unfortunately Mexico is getting more violent than an episode of Jerry Springer. People keep saying we can’t keep all drug runners and gangsters from crossing the border, but why don’t we at least keep most of them out? Why are we letting innocent people endanger their lives and become criminals in illegal border crossings? (Yes, when you commit a crime, that makes you a criminal. Kinda the definition.)
If we need immigrants to do jobs citizens won’t do, why aren’t we making changes to our immigration policy and letting more people in legally? On a related note, if there are citizens who refuse to do jobs that are available, are we making sure they don’t get welfare or unemployment benefits?
If we’re not going to even try, then why not just throw the border open, make Mexico the 51st state, and save money on INS agents?
What are you doing to combat welfare fraud, and make sure people don’t abuse federal unemployment benefits? The helpless should be helped, and the hopeless given hope; but honest people should not have to pay for dishonest people.
(No, I don’t know a good way to tell between the two: Dude, you wanted the job.)
Why do we have military bases in countries we conquered three quarters of a century ago? Tempting as it is, America cannot be an sisolationist in a modern world; just the same, I can’t help thinking World War II is pretty much over.
On another related note, why are we sending money, arms, and even troops to countries where governments hate us? If they want us out of there, we should leave. If that leads to chaos, they asked for it. With our financial situation, we shouldn’t be getting involved unless it’s part of a coordinated effort by every nation, and they bring cookies. We have the power to be the world’s policeman, but we don’t have the money. Whether we have the right is a whole other debate.
Back to our second most serious problem: How are you going to handle the threat of Muslim extremists? Despite your early efforts to make it seem otherwise, the war’s still on and they still want to kill us. Do we kill them first? (Congrats for offing some of them, by the way.) Try to convince moderate Islam and other governments to help fight? Try to reason with them? (And while we’re at it, hand feed rabid animals?) Close off the borders, increase security, and wait for the next 9/11? Send them cute bunnies?
What are you going to do to get government out of the way of private enterprise? How will you balance reasonable regulation against job-killing government intrusion? How will you protect individual liberties?
And can you do something about reality television?
These are the questions people in The Middle are asking, Mr. President. We wish the country good luck – and you good health.
(And that’s worth a parenthesis.) by Mark Hunter I assume, since the Presidential election was so close, that President Obama understands he doesn’t have anything that could be called a mandate for his next four years. What he has, in fact, is a nation more divided than Dolly Parton’s cleavage. (And yet, before the election was officially called, an Obama supporter said on network news that the President did, indeed, have a mandate.) (Wait, Dolly Parton? Should I use a more modern well-endowed celebrity? Snooki? That fat guy from Pawn Stars? How do I know they’re not both using push-ups?) (Why do I use parenthesis so often?) Maybe, then, he’ll listen to me, a person who according to Internet questionnaires is a right leaning moderate. And those things are never wrong. So I’ve drawn up a list of questions that, I hope, will make the President think about the challenges we face, and how we can solve them using reason and common sense, rather than partisan politics. Stop laughing, he’ll listen.
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Tuesday, 06 November 2012 19:35 |
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TRUMAN DEFEATS DEWEY
by Mark Hunter
I try to get my weekly column turned in by Friday (and often succeed), but the paper doesn’t actually come out until the next Wednesday. That’s a problem during an election, because it means I have to write the thing almost a week before voting results are in. Writing a story about the 2012 election would be a case of predicting the future.
So I did.
Actually, as I write this it’s two weeks before the election, but what the heck: I’ll either be right or wrong, and another week won’t change that unless Joe Biden is found in bed with a dead lawyer or a live prostitute. So here’s the way the election’s going to go:
(Mind you, this was all before FrankenStorm hit the East Coast, which could have a way bigger impact than Biden’s prostitute lawyer. Who doesn’t exist.)
6 a.m.: A tiny community on the east coast of Maine casts the first votes of the election, choosing Obama 42-23. Joe Biden immediately goes before Congress to move that the voting be closed. He’s initially confused by the silence that greats him, until he’s reminded Congress has shut down for Election Day.
6:14 a.m.: Romney receives a call from John McCain, informing the Governor that he’s in for one long day.
5:50 p.m.: Nancy Pelosi tries to declare California for Obama, and has to be forcibly restrained until after the polls close.
For the rest of the day most cable news channels speculate on what Obama will do during his second term. Two personalities on the Fox News show “The Five” strangle liberal Bob Beckel when he starts chanting “Four more years!” The show is quickly renamed “The Four”.
6:01 p.m. Maine goes Democrat. MSNBC calls the election for Obama.
7 p.m. In quick succession, all New England States except New Hampshire go to Obama. Then they go back inside, turn up the thermostats, and have a beer.
7:15: Feeling lonely and left out, New Hampshire goes to Obama.
7:20: Officials begin investigating voting irregularity in Florida, even though none of the Florida precincts are yet in.
7:30: NBC calls the election for Obama. CNN quickly reacts by claiming they called it one minute earlier, during a commercial.
7:50: Every East Coast state down to South Carolina is given to Obama. South Carolina, not wanting to seem too much like New Hampshire, gives its delegates to Romney. Later that evening all the Deep South except for Florida goes to Romney. Florida is quick to point out that they’ve never really been part of the Deep South, even though they’re south of everyone else.
8:12: By less than a thousand votes Pennsylvania is declared for Obama, then West Virginia for Romney. Joe Biden is seen counting delegates on his fingers, very slowly. Then he turns to his wife, and when she nods he yells “That’s (expletive deleted) great! Right?
8:30: Ohio goes, again narrowly, to Romney. Everyone’s a little surprised, including Ohio.
8:35: Indiana goes to Romney. Nobody notices.
8:46: Illinois is declared for Obama, after an overwhelming blowout vote from the Chicago precinct that contains Graceland Cemetery.
9:02: In one of the night’s surprises, Missouri declares for Obama. One of the delegates is heard to say, “I appreciate that the Democratic Party gave my great-grandfather in Chicago a chance to have his voice heard so many years after his death”.
9:14: On Fox News, Dennis Miller describes Romney as having “Less support than Dolly Parton’s retired backup bra”. A fist fight with Bill O’Reilly ensues.
9:28: A solid block of states from North Dakota to Texas go to Romney, just as O’ Reilly is forcing Miller to cry “uncle!”
9:38: Minnesota goes solidly Obama. After thinking about it, Wisconsin and Iowa say “Eh – what the heck,” and (by a smaller margin) do the same.
9:50: Colorado, where voting is hampered by an early snowstorm, goes Obama. New Mexico, where voting is hampered by a sense of pointlessness, does the same. Arizona goes to Romney in what PBS refers to as “an act of defiance”.
9:59: Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, and Utah join forces to declare for Romney all at the same time. No one notices except Indiana, which is sympathetic.
10:42: All three West Coast states are handed to Obama. California is so solidly blue that some map observers mistakenly think it’s sunk into the Pacific Ocean.
10:55: Alaska goes to Romney, Hawaii to Obama, both with a shrug.
11:30: Florida declares a statistical tie and prepares for a long week of recounts, lawsuits, and counter lawsuits. Then someone realizes that Obama won without them. The Florida election commission votes to just let it go.
In the end, Barrack Obama wins reelection with 332 electoral votes and 49% of the popular vote, and declares it a mandate. Chris Matthews takes to the airwaves to nominate Obama for sainthood.
It isn’t discovered until days later that Nevada forgot to vote. by Mark Hunter I try to get my weekly column turned in by Friday (and often succeed), but the paper doesn’t actually come out until the next Wednesday. That’s a problem during an election, because it means I have to write the thing almost a week before voting results are in. Writing a story about the 2012 election would be a case of predicting the future. So I did. Actually, as I write this it’s two weeks before the election, but what the heck: I’ll either be right or wrong, and another week won’t change that unless Joe Biden is found in bed with a dead lawyer or a live prostitute. So here’s the way the election’s going to go: (Mind you, this was all before FrankenStorm hit the East Coast, which could have a way bigger impact than Biden’s prostitute lawyer. Who doesn’t exist.) 6 a.m.: A tiny community on the east coast of Maine casts the first votes of the election, choosing Obama 42-23. Joe Biden immediately goes before Congress to move that the voting be closed. He’s initially confused by the silence that greats him, until he’s reminded Congress has shut down for Election Day. 6:14 a.m.: Romney receives a call from John McCain, informing the Governor that he’s in for one long day. 5:50 p.m.: Nancy Pelosi tries to declare California for Obama, and has to be forcibly restrained until after the polls close. For the rest of the day most cable news channels speculate on what Obama will do during his second term. Two personalities on the Fox News show “The Five” strangle liberal Bob Beckel when he starts chanting “Four more years!” The show is quickly renamed “The Four”. 6:01 p.m. Maine goes Democrat. MSNBC calls the election for Obama.
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Tuesday, 30 October 2012 20:04 |
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FIXING CONGRESS, OR: VOTE THE BUMS OUT
by Mark Hunter
Here are two of the main causes of problems with government in this country:
First, there are those people who say there’s no point voting because it doesn’t make a difference, then complain about the politicians other people vote in.
Second is the fact that the public’s approval rating of Congress is 10 percent; yet in the 2012 election, 84 percent of the Senate incumbents and 85 percent of House incumbents held onto their seats.
The first is a product of not only frustration, but laziness. We don’t want to take the time to research the candidates and choose the best one – or the least worst one. We don’t want to support and encourage good candidates, and we don’t want to go through the meat grinder of being candidates ourselves.
The second is more revealing, and is a variation of the “not in my back yard” argument: “Every member of Congress is worthless and criminal – except my Congressman.”
This is where I usually start harassing you, dear reader, in an attempt to get out the vote. If just six more of you had come out last election, I might still be a member of the Town Council and enjoy franking privileges, the town car, the private office and assistant, the Council swimming pool and skeet shooting range …
Well. I got a key to the municipal building, anyway.
The town is in good hands without me, but the same can’t be said of Washington, D.C. Much as we love to criticize the President, Congress has been outrageously, stunningly awful. Part of this is due to partisan politics; part is due to a remarkable lack of common sense, which many times causes partisan politics. We call for moderation and compromise, which is fine – but if someone on one side wants to do the worst possible thing for the country, should that second person give in for the sake of compromise? Sometimes people are just plain wrong, which I’ll grant you doesn’t solve the problem of gridlock.
You the voter need to vote, because the fewer people who vote, the less Congressmen worry about voters. The less they worry about voters, the more they can throw money at what few voters there are and not worry about anything else. There is no money, so that’s a problem.
You the voter, if you don’t like how things are going in Congress, need to go to the polls and vote the incumbents out. All of them. Republican, Democrat, Martian, whatever, vote them out each and every time until they get the idea and work for the people again. If you don’t, we’ll continue to be stuck with people nobody likes, doing things nobody likes, with results nobody likes.
Did you know that the Senate is required by law to pass a budget by April 15 every single year? The problem is, they haven’t. For over three years. By definition, each and every lawmaker is a lawbreaker. Budget resolutions can pass with a simple majority, so filibusters are no excuse.
And yet, despite having no budget, the government manages to keep on spending money. As of the moment I write this, the outstanding public debt is $16,198,734,633,000, give or take a few bucks.
(I just checked again, before sending this in. The amount is now $16,200,034,782.837.)
That’s sixteen trillion dollars. TRILLION.
Congress does nothing about this outrage, and why? Because we do nothing about them. And why? Because too many of the people who bother to vote do it on the basis of, “The rest of Congress is horrible, but my congressman managed to bring in a bunch of money to our district!”
Money that doesn’t exist. It just isn’t there. It’s a phantom, and the longer we refuse to accept that, the worse the chickens are going to bite us when they come home to roost. Or maybe they’ll lay eggs on us, whatever.
We’re complacent in this, not only by not kicking them out but by actually approving the status quo. How many times have you heard, “Well, the program to save pregnant albino Appalachian tree frogs only costs $17 million. That’s hardly a drop in the bucket of the federal budget.”
Good point. Now, what happens when we add up all the other $17 million dollar payouts? Suddenly we’ve got a budget.
Seventeen million dollars is nothing? Not even worth talking about? Have we come to this? Let me do some quick calculations: Okay, at my present pay rate it would take me 4,857 years to make 17 million bucks. How is that nothing?
In the immortal words of that drunken guy on Independence Day, “We have to stop them!” (He also said “Up yours!” which might also be appropriate.)
Okay, I went off on a monetary tangent. My point is that the power of the President is out of control, largely because one of the other branches of government has ceded much of their power to him (or her – this is not a one-time problem).
How do-nothing is our current Congress? What are they doing to stop our race toward the fiscal cliff, deal with various crises here and in other countries, and generally do their job? Well, on October 9th, a lawmaker gaveled the Senate into session … then gaveled it out, 25 seconds later. It was done just to make things official – most of our elected officials were off running for another election.
So, what do we do?
Well, we’re the employers of Congress. What do you do if your employee doesn’t show up for work, takes long breaks when he does, doesn’t accomplish the job when he is there, and to top it all off takes your money and spends it recklessly?
Oh, I don’t know … fire them?
Vote, people. It’s our only chance to show them who’s supposed to be in charge, and we have to start somewhere. by Mark Hunter Here are two of the main causes of problems with government in this country: First, there are those people who say there’s no point voting because it doesn’t make a difference, then complain about the politicians other people vote in. Second is the fact that the public’s approval rating of Congress is 10 percent; yet in the 2012 election, 84 percent of the Senate incumbents and 85 percent of House incumbents held onto their seats. The first is a product of not only frustration, but laziness. We don’t want to take the time to research the candidates and choose the best one – or the least worst one. We don’t want to support and encourage good candidates, and we don’t want to go through the meat grinder of being candidates ourselves. The second is more revealing, and is a variation of the “not in my back yard” argument: “Every member of Congress is worthless and criminal – except my Congressman.”
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